It’s that time of year again when we reflect upon the last twelve months. Many of us look to the past year for knowledge and wisdom gained from another trip around the sun on this blue spinning rock. Others make resolutions at 11:59pm on New Years Eve never to huff cleanser again…but we all know that never works. Your best bet is to decide whatever it is you are good at and do that thing. Like I told my 12 year old nephew visiting from North Carolina this past summer, “You can have ANYTHING you want- but you can’t have EVERYTHING you want.” In the mean time, Here’s a run down of 2012 month by month:
Jan 1. The year begins as Dodge Street Bar and Grill officially closes its doors after two decades as Salem’s premier music venue. Anyone who had ever been part of the Dodge scene stopped in New Years Eve to see The Hate Fu*#ers close down the venue. Opened in 1991, The club changed ownership three times over its 20 year existence, starting with Bob, Peter and Allen Berzofsky, who had the vision of a restaurant that featured the best in local music. In ’99, two guys called Nick and Jim bought the restaurant but rumored in-fighting caused them to cut and and run in ’03. Enter the last owner, Frank Presutti. He would take the reigns for the final 9 years. Unlike any of the former owners, Frank was a musician. The benefit of this rarity was that he could relate to the struggles of the working artist. The draw back being that his brash and public critiquing of each and every artist that ever took the stage made him infamous in the music scene. The Presutti administration would be responsible for expanding the restaurant that featured live music nightly into a bonafide music venue by renovating a couple of old storage rooms into a good sized stage in a room that could hold 150 of your closest friends. During the party and into the morning, the patrons were encouraged to bid on any of the wall decorations as a memento of a simpler time thus making it the single highest grossing night in the history of the music club.
“This is the last worthless evening that you’ll have to spend”
Jan 13. Italian Cruise Ship Costa Concordia runs aground, causing the ship to scrape a reef off the Tuscan Coast , consequently flooding the engine room and power generators while the boat meandered for the next hour before it finally capsized. 32 people perished. What was most unbelievable was that Captain Francesco Schettino, known for his machismo especially when it came to impressing young female passengers was actually trying to show off for a particular Fighetta as well as abandoning the cruise liner while a few hundred passengers had yet to be rescued.
“I’d do it all again for Un Pompino”
Jan 22. Legendary college football coach Joe Paterno dies from cancer. In July ’12, Penn State removes the 7 foot tall bronze statue of “JoePa” from the campus amid the Penn State Sex Abuse Scandal. Later in 2012 the man at the center of the controversy was given 30 years in a federal penitentiary.
this guy wont tolerate any “funny business”…well almost any.
Feb 11. Singer Whitney Houston is found dead the bathtub of the Beverly Hills Hilton suite where she was staying for the next days Grammy celebration being held at the Staples Center. Grammy night turned into a solemn night of remembrance as many of the biggest pop stars of the day paid tribute to the beloved Icon. Days later Sony raises the price of two different Greatest Hits CD’s but claims it to be a pricing mistake when outraged Houston fans threatened to riot.
“I had this outfit picked out months ago!! Who’s an idiot for wearing a suite of meat now?”
Feb 14. Wellesley College publishes steamy love letters between Victorian age English poets Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett on line to the delight of nerds world wide. Many of the love letters address Elizabeth’s dickish father’s dis approval of his daughter running off with of all else, A POET!
Feb 29. Once Teen Idol Davey Jones dies at age 66 of a heart attack while horseback riding in Florida. Jones enjoyed success as the lead singer of fictitious TV rock band “The Monkees” which originally debuted on NBC in 1966. The band’s popularity would make many resurgences as re-runs of the classic show would find its way on National TV in the 70′s and then again in the mid 80′s when the blossoming MTV would air the shows to a new generation of pop culture fans.
Now I’m A Bereaver
Mar 2. The meta-analysis of over 40 studies now prove that chocolate may actually have beneficial properties for the human heart and the bodies circulatory system. Still, some of the negative affects of over consumption of Chocolate are: Diabetes,osteoporosis and lead poisoning.
“Damn Susan…you are such a health nut!”
Mar 5. Apple Store celebrates 25 billion downloads. The family of the late Steve Jobs were sad at the fact that the genius behind Apple never got to see this mile stone. They were also sad that the most downloaded song of all time remains: “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas.
“Please Do NOT Shove…you will all get a chance to empty your wallet at one of our many convenient “I-Check Outs”
Mar 17. Pope Benedict XVI launches an internal investigation into leaks of confidential documents alleging corruption, financial mismanagement and power struggles among senior church officials. Over the next months it would be learned that a disgruntled butler of the Pope was behind the leak and removed from the powerful position. And we’re very sure that this is the last time the CC will ever be embattled in controversy.
But what did you expect? He’s got a new album dropping.
Apr 11. After 45 days of public outrage, George Zimmerman is arrested after the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Originally not arrested based on Zimmerman’s account that the un armed boy was the agressor, he now faces second degree murder charges. His trail is planned for June, 2013.
“Judge Ito, my client is mis understood…like OJ was.”
Apr 16. Thirty five years after it’s original release date, “God Save The Queen” is re-released in time for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee held in June. The song was originally banned by the BBC in 1977 coincidentally in conjuction with the Queen’s Silver Jubilee.
What kind of dick face hates Pink Floyd?
Apr 25. News of a U.S. Military Scandal breaks when three Marines on a US Embassy security team and one embassy staff member pushed a female escort out of a moving car after a dispute over payment. All three Marines were demoted and given no ointment for the many shanker sores that they contracted from an unrelated incident.
“What the F&@K is a Groupon?”
May 4. Adam Yauch, also known as MCA of the Beastie Boys dies of salivary gland cancer at age 47. Yauch was a practicing Buddhist and a Vegan, a stark contrast to the early days where he fought for all our rights to party. Though widely criticized for the homophobic and misogynistic lyrics of their early career, In 1999, he and the other Boys of Beast publicly apologized in an issue of Time Out New York.
May 9. Andy Warhol’s “Double Elvis” sells for $37,000,000 at Sothebys. Created in 1963, there are only 22 original prints in existence, all of which are distinguishable by the space between both Elvises (Elvi). Assuming they are all worth roughly the same at auction: Andy Warhol, by creating 21 extra original pieces, an act that would take an experienced silk screen artist like Warhol no more that 5 extra minutes, created an extra 700 million dollars in the 2012 Art Market!
“If you give one more annoying market speculation we will both shoot”
May 29. An art gallery in Johannesburg, South Africa remove an image from its website called The Spear after thousands marched in protest. The image portrays South African President Jacob Zuma in a Leninesq pose. Zuma, elected in ’09 has been riddled in controversy. Some of the speed bumps in his personal life include: Fraud, rape, racketeering and corruption.
I dont really get why this is so controversial…oh wait, now I see.
Jun 1. Madonna kicks off MDNA concert tour in Tel Aviv, Israel. The 12th studio album from Madge covered topics like Sex, Drugs, Violence and bullying. The Material Girl was accused of using the tour to gauge new living locations since her banishment from England.
“you know what Israel needs?: Madonna.”
Jun 3. Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her Diamond Jubilee at Buckingham Palace marking 60 years of polite oppression over 16 sovereign states! 1/3 of the world celebrated this milestone by lighting billions of candles and taking almost a week off of work. In three years “E2″ will surpass Victoria as the longest ruling monarch.
is anyone else getting a Headless Horseman vibe?
Jun 24. Legendary TV Game Show host Alex Trebek suffers his second heart attack but will go on to make a full recovery! This marks the second time he has been hospitalized with a heart related condition. In 2011 he snapped his Achilles tendon while fending off a robbery attempt of his San Francisco hotel room.
“Help! Send Ambulance at once!!”
“ohhh, im sorry. Your response to:”Hello, LA County 911, this is Kathleen” wasn’t in the form of a question.”
Jul 4. The City of Salem celebrates a rainy Independence Day with their annual fireworks display over Salem harbor. This year Pete and Ted of Britannica were featured acts as well as Julie Dougherty and a special pops concert by the 42 piece Hillyer Festival Orchestra.
Fireworks explode over the Friendship. (photo by Scott Lanes)
Jul 20. A midnight premier of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado turns into a deadly shooting rampage leaving 12 dead and 58 wounded. The shooter also rigged the unlocked front door of his apartment with bombs and timed his stereo to BLAST music at midnight in a vain attempt to trick his neighbors into entering his apartment thus triggering the bomb blast.
Now that’s a bad neighbor.
Jul 28. The city of Salem celebrates Local Music with the 9th annual Witchstock and the 1st Annual Sky Party. Over 25 artists participated in the two events. Unfortunately, the weather doesn’t cooperate as both events are affected. The Sky Party would be moved to Old Town Hall and two thirds of the Witchstock concert was held in the pouring rain…oh yeah, and the 2012 Olympic games held its opening ceremony on this day too!
“Hummmm what’s the best way to kill a booking Agent?”
“The heavy stuff wont be coming down for a while.”
Aug 18-19. The Salem Jazz and Soul festival celebrated the non-profit’s 5th year. The Salem Willows Amusement Park hosted the two day rain or shine event.Featured artists included: Jaimo of Allman Brothers fame as well as (once) local drumming hero Russ Lawton.
Would it kill any of you guys to play the correct notes?
Aug 22. An elderly church volunteer in Northern Spain decides to touch up a one-of-a-kind 19th century fresco by the Spanish painter Elias Garcia Martinez. The repair goes awry and the painting is left almost unrecognizable. Later that month, the disgraced artist would file a law suit claiming that she deserved royalties from up swing of tourists paying to see blasphemy.
Look close, can you even tell them apart?
Aug 24. The US Anti-Doping Agency announces its plan to strip 7 time Tour De France winner, Lance Armstrong of all titles after an investigation discovers performance enhancing substances were used by the once celebrated athlete. By the years end, Armstrong would end all ties with the Livestrong foundation.
“F$#k you! Its not against the law to drink while cycling…oh, you were talking to the driver.”
Aug 25. Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, dies at the age of 82. Armstrong, who served in the Us Navy before attending Purdue University would later become a test pilot at California’s Edwards Air Force Base. There he would fly many test missions before being recruited for USAF’s Man In Space Program in 1960. He would go on to pilot Gemini 8, Gemini 11, Apollo 8, Apollo 9 and finally the historical Apollo 11 moon landing on July 20,1969.
“Oh, you made history on Earth? cool story Bro”
Sep 5. After nearly a year and a half, one of the members of Seal Team 6 releases “No Easy Day”, a tell all book about the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound and the last moments of the wanted terrorist’s life. In his accounting of the events, the Navy Seal also divulged classified military training methods. In the book, he writes,”It was strange to see such an infamous face up close. Lying in front of me was the reason we had been fighting for the last decade. It was surreal trying to clean blood off the most wanted man in the world so that I could shoot his photo. I had to focus on the mission, right now we needed some good quality photos.” Jihadists on al-Qaida websites have posted purported photos of the author, calling for the his murder.
“It was pretty gruesome Bra!”
Sep 30. English singer and founding member of Wham! George Michael cancels the Australian leg of his tour due to “major anxiety” believed to be the result of acute pneumonia. The singer did however make a special appearance at this years Olympic celebration in London.
Or maybe the anxiety was caused by the ten doobies and box of wine he consumed daily?
Oct 4. Salem kicks off it’s annual Haunted Happenings with a parade through the city. Haunted Happenings is a month long celebration of “miracle tourism” and “goth pride” leading up to Halloween day, or what local businesses refer to as “The only reason to set up shop in this God forsaken town.”
File Footage from Mayoral debate
Oct 28. Hurricane Sandy, the largest Atlantic hurricane on record makes landfall in Atlantic City, NJ. Having great impact on all mid Atlantic and north eastern states. President Obama issues a Pre-Landfall Emergency Declaration for Massachusetts. Governor Deval Patrick ordered all state offices to be closed October 29.
253 people died. But you gotta admit this is a pretty funny meme!
Oct 31. The city of Salem celebrates Halloween on the heels of Hurricane Sandy finally dissipating. The city enjoyed a little more subdued gathering this year as many in the region stayed home either without power, without the means to get here or they simply realized they weren’t in kindergarten.
“this is how i usually dress, you perverts!”
Nov 6. Barrack Obama narrowly wins second term as United States President against the laughably stiff and overly white Mitt Romney. Every bit of momentum that Romney built would inevitably be undone by a gaff of equal proportion. Whether it was wagering ten thousand dollars that he best understands the working man, or his attack on sesame street after his first and only favorable debate.
Not only did Mitt lose the 10k bet, he also had to stand still for “0ne swift kick to the nuts”-a gentleman’s agreement from the third debate.
Nov 16. One week after the BCTG (just look it up!) Union strike, Hostess announces the company will file a motion in Bankruptcy court and sell off all assets. While I haven’t had a twinkee in about ten years, I always felt just a little safer knowing they where always near.
“You F@#king Shot me!”
Nov 21. Flaming Lips front man and visionary Wayne Coyne is detained at Oaklahoma’s Will Rogers Airport when a screener noticed a hand grenade in the singers suite case. Turns out the grenade was hollow and spray-painted gold, something Coyne claimed to had swiped from a wild house party the night before where it was being used as a book end.
“lets use these to strangle the f***ing a** hole who delayed our holiday travel by another 7 hours.”
Nov 26. In what has become an American Black Friday tradition, A Georgian man dies after over deputized Walmart employees tackle him to the ground suspecting him of shop lifting two DVDs. In Tallahasse, Florida. 2 people were shot in a Walmart parking lot as a result of a dispute over a parking space.
“Ok rookie. Next, lets go ahead and put your shin right on the back of his neck…That’s it!- Man, do i love this job!”
Wow, What a wacky year! Some of that could have been made up. Wicked Hawt magazine would like to wish you all the merriest of holidays and wish you all a safe and most prosperous new year!-WH